tr.v. be·trayed, be·tray·ing, be·trays o
give aid or information to an enemy of; commit
treason against: betray one's country.
To deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation
of a trust or allegiance: betrayed Christ to the
To be false or disloyal to: betrayed their cause;
betray one's better nature.
To divulge in a breach of confidence: betray a
To make known unintentionally: Her hollow laugh
betrayed her contempt for the idea.
To reveal against one's desire or will.
To lead astray; deceive. See Synonyms at deceive. [Middle English bitrayen : bi-, be- + trayen,
to betray (from Old French trair, from Latin
trdere, to hand over; see tradition).]
I want to talk about betrayal, because I think
it’s very important for us all to acknowledge that
it happens and to understand how hurtful it can
be. As you can see from the definition
above, betrayal can happen in varying degrees.
It could encompass the activities of a spy or
perhaps just a sarcastic comment. It can be
as simple as disloyalty of a perceived friend or
as devastating as a broken trust by a person in
authority or power.
I am struggling every day, to come to terms with a recent betrayal by someone I
was encouraged to believe in and trust. In this instance I intend to address
directly what I am going through and why. I feel hurt, betrayed and
abandoned. I really wish I didn’t, but I do.
takes a great deal for anyone to accept that they
need professional help and to then seek it out.
For me, as a survivor with tremendous trust
issues, it takes even more time to gather the
courage needed to make a move toward healing, by
seeking out professional help. When I take into
consideration all of the things I have been
through in my life, I have great difficulty in
believing that there are actually people “out
there” who care about those of us whose lives have
been terribly affected by trauma. Choosing to seek
help involves my making promises to my “alters”
that it is the right thing to do and that they
should trust me that no one will hurt them.
I have had several experiences with the mental
health profession, which were far less than
desirable. I have had private hospital stays in
which I was physically threatened and blamed for
that attack. I have had doctors refuse to
help me, while others simply chose to drug and
house me. I have had reactions to my
struggle, go from nurses who chose not to believe
me to nurses who laughed at me and accused me of
acting like a child. Talk about degradation!
The treatment of people with problems that I have
witnessed and experienced by mental health
professionals is repulsive and disgraceful. Being
in the “system” is not a nice place to be. Believe
Naturally, given my past encounters with therapy,
seeking a therapist is not something I relished
doing and so it took me close to a year, after the
last hurt by a professional to even consider
looking for help and therapy again. I
had reached a point where there was just so much
going on inside of me and in my life that my
condition, both physical and mental, had become
obviously deteriorated. I knew deep down
inside that I had to try, so I would have the
opportunity to stop seeing myself as a failure.
With strength and lots of encouragement from my
family, I tentatively took that step and began
looking for help again. All the while wondering,
“what next?” Looking for assistance is very
difficult for me, because of the issues I struggle
with. There are very few trained to help
Identity Disorder and most of the ones who are trained are
either not taking on new patients or are
prohibitively expensive. It is so hard to
find someone who really understands and
acknowledges that there is a lot of pain and hurt
involved in living like this. Then there are those
who make initial appointments, during which I
should be “interviewing” them, only to have them
say at the conclusion that my difficulties are
bigger than the scope of their expertise or that I
need to be in hospital to do the work. (Which is
really helpful, considering there don’t appear to
be any hospitals in Ontario that have inpatient
programs for this.) I don’t know if you know
what it feels like to be rejected by someone who
chooses to be in a healing profession, but lets
just say it is hundreds of times worse than not
getting the perfect job after an interview.
After much searching and many “interviews”, I
decided that Kali Munro sounded really sincere and
she gave the impression that not only did she know
about DID, but also, that she actually really
cared. I decided that I would begin to see
her, twice weekly, and see whether or not she was
someone I could work with. Over the passing weeks,
she did and said things that caused me to think
that maybe she really did care. She had
certainly said so often, not only to me and my
family, but also to my alters – the young ones and
the protectors. Myself and many of my parts,
began to believe in her ability and stated desire
to help us. She often would tell us she understood
and that she cared about what had happened, was
happening, and would happen for us. There were
still holdouts within me that made it quite clear
that she would hurt us. They chose not to
She expressed disgust when I shared with her some
of my prior experiences with the mental health
profession, added that she’d heard many horror
stories from other clients, and assured me that
she would never, ever disappoint or hurt me the
way the others had. She insisted, time and
again, that she would never hurt us in any way and
she treated us with what I thought was compassion.
Against the will of Korah, one of my protectors, I
made the mistake of believing her. I wanted
so badly to have at last found THE right
therapist, the one who could actually help me to
heal. Korah was right though. All of her
words were lies and empty (now broken) promises.
You can not care about someone and then turn
around and do what she did to me. It is
apparent now that she never really cared at all
and I will relay to you why that is so obvious to
After I had been seeing her for a number of
months, an event took place in the
Network 54 support
forum that she moderated.
One of my alters, Lorin, signed on as the
lurker and posted a picture of a very fat cat in
the forum. She thought it was cute and
wanted to share it with everyone. Another
forum member anonymously attacked her by demanding
it be removed and telling her to get lost.
They even said, “You are not welcome here.”
She was so hurt by this blatant, unjustified
attack that Korah came out to protect her. Korah
was rightfully angry and had to repeatedly demand
an apology from the person who had attacked. After
more than 24 hours, Rainbohdi AKA SallyAnne, one of the
people who attacked again in “frustration”(another client of Kali
Munro’s) stepped forward and admitted it was her.
She also attacked using the name of "nonamesplease".
Her “apology” was negated when she did not take
responsibility for what she had said by blaming
having been “triggered”. All of this happened
without my knowledge. I (Gloria) was not present
during these exchanges, although I was aware that
Korah was very angry later.
Over the next couple of
I was attacked many, many times by Rainbohdi.
Kali, as forum moderator, had the power to put a
stop to the attacks, but chose to do nothing.
She allowed the hurtful attacks to continue.
At first I tried overlooked it; thinking maybe she
(Rain) was having a hard time or a bad day or was angry because of a poem I had removed from
the forum. By May,
I could ignore it no longer. She was
answering posts I made, to other people, with
thinly veiled aggression and I didn’t know what it
was about. I emailed Kali, my therapist, and
was told to ask Rain why she was treating me like
she was. She attacked again and publicly
accused me of being “the lurker”, which I flatly
denied. The attacking, threatening behaviour
continued that night and not one person in that
forum, many of whom I was friendly with, spoke up
in defense of me.
Much to my horror, Kali later that night, by
email, advised me that indeed the posts had come
from my IP address. She had apparently known
for some time and had not bothered to tell me.
The next day, I wrote and posted a long public
apology and took full responsibility for the
actions of my alters. I explained to
everyone that I had had no knowledge of the
incident, was shocked to learn of my involvement
in it, and was very sorry for things that were
said. Kali Munro could have protected me from this
public humiliation by sharing the information much
sooner, which would have afforded me the
opportunity to work things out privately with Rainbohdi, but she didn’t. In fact, when I
asked her directly, in my email, why I was being
treated like this, I was told to go ask. To me,
this was like endorsing or encouraging the attack.
I felt so hurt, angry and humiliated that I wound
up in hospital – after attempting suicide - within
only a few days of this apology. There was no
reason for any of this. In fact, none of it
would have happened, had Rainbohdi not started it
by attacking the lurker. It was just a
picture of a fat cat for crying out loud!
behaviours were blatantly aggressive toward me all
those months and that final attack was
specifically designed to hurt me. Kali had
to have seen it coming, but turned a blind eye.
She allowed Rainbohdi to continuously attack me
and my alters.
After my release from hospital, I
returned to see
Kali. We spent many sessions discussing this
whole scenario. I felt that I
and my alters
deserved an apology from Rainbohdi and felt
strongly that it should be as public as her
attacks of me had been. Although Kali said
she “understood”, she did not get Rain
to apologize. Instead she, Kali, posted a
public apology for what had transpired. Even after the apology,
the attacks from Rainbohdi continued.
For obvious reasons, these events had put a
real strain on our relationship, but I continued
to attend and pay for my sessions because she said
we could work through it and it wouldn’t happen
The last incident at her new
support forum appears in its entirety under the
heading “*Frustration”. Kali was fully aware
that I was RAOK and even thought it was great that
posting nice messages around the web helped me to
feel good. She even told me that my response
to Eileen in conflict
resolution was tactful
and direct. I chose to remain anonymous and
she was okay with that. The attacks continued and escalated as more people
jumped on the bandwagon and tried to better the
last. In that series of posts, you can see
where some suspected it was me posting as RAOK.
That tells me that those same people, with whom I
was friendly, intentionally attacked me.
Those same people, who knew how hard I was
had only been out of hospital less than 4 weeks, didn’t have an ounce of compassion
between them and continued to attack me. Again, Kali
did nothing to stop their threatening behaviour.
Instead, she banned me for standing up and
speaking out about the treatment I was receiving from them. She sacrificed my health
for them. She knew full well how deeply
that would hurt me.
I feel thoroughly and utterly let down, abandoned,
and betrayed. That she would condone their attacks
and punish all of us with banning makes me wonder
how she might have treated someone she didn’t
“care about”. In “frustration” when Kali
mentions that “yes, there is a history” it is the
lurker incident she is referring to, which never
would have happened had Rainbohdi not been such a
troublemaker to begin with by choosing to attack one of my alters. Kali
failed to mention that in her final post!
forum rules mentioned in those posts were added as
a direct result of Rainbohdi's conduct, yet she
was allowed to break them repeatedly. The Lurker
incident was started by Rainbohdi. The treatment I received at that forum, for doing
nothing wrong instigated by others, reminded me of things that
happened during my childhood. I am triggered
and constantly taken back to those times and
places. When Kali sided with those forum
members and congratulated them for their attacking
me, it reminded me (and my others) of Phyllis
turning her back and allowing abuses to happen. I feel abused and
betrayed by Kali Munro and by her forum
members. My insides feel abused by them.
They abused us. All this time my Frustration
pages have been up and still not one single
apology, when they all were so clearly wrong for
the way they treated me. I hope that they
sleep well at night, knowing the kind of
uncertainty they have brought to my future and the
deep pain I feel every single day. I want to
condemn Kali Munro for knowingly hurting us the
way she did. I wish I had the power to have
her feel what I have lived. I am appalled and
disgusted by the actions and behaviours of Kali
Munro and her forum members We will never, ever forget or forgive what they
have done to us in a public support forum. I remain hurt and my
protectors are raging.
November 20, 2002
*For my own personal
reasons, I have removed the "Frustration Pages"
for the time being.